So we were supposed to be readmitted to our local hospital today, but as luck would have it they had no bed space. Waited all day for a phonecall from her consultant, and when it came it was bittersweet. He listened to what I had to tell him about what had been said at The Royal London and he sounded tired, resigned to the fact that we now had the full force of a group of specialists behind us, and that he would reluctantly have to allow them input in her care. At least that's how I read his response from his voice alone, although I may have been totally wrong.
While talking on the phone to him I realised how much of our communication is non-verbal. When we discuss Ellie's care we all speak with our bodies as much as our voices. The signalling and posturing between us has become somewhat excessive. The telephone conversation took all that away and made communication even harder, you have to concentrate on the words you use so much more intensely, but it made me realise how badly we'd all been behaving in terms of our body language.
Afterwards I just felt sad. I should've been relieved that the confrontation and conflicting ideas between us about Ellie's care, that had been so apparent all last week, had been resolved in a way that was more to our satisfaction than his. But it was a hollow victory, why did this battle even need to take place, surely we all want the same thing? As much as I'm angry with this doctor for not listening to advice from others, others who may be able to provide important input as to how to expedite Ellie's passage to better health, I don't think he wants anything more than to make Ellie better, like the rest of us. The only thing we're really disagreeing on is how to make that happen. I just wish we could all pull together, share knowledge with one another, listen, discuss, keep open-minds, learn from each other without all the conflict.
All this has changed me so much, on the positive side I've become a person that is so much stronger, more self-assured and more confident than I used to be. But the down side is I now see myself as a lot less patient, less objective, and quite often, less pleasant.
I'd take the negative personality traits as a temporary casualty of the war- and expect them to change when you get Ellie well again. The fact that this local guy is now- even begrudgingly- accepting of the more experienced, London consultant, is still really good news. Confident, self-assured Keiley can communicate with him and build a relationship I reckon. The main focus has to be where you are and where you're going- not where you've been. I don't mean this in a flippant way, more that now he's listening he will do the best for Ellie. And if 'bad Keiley' has to come out let her! I know you don't want her to, but I reckon she's a bloody great mum too.
ReplyDeleteTake care
Matt (@bigmatt1970)